Some days you're a functional adult. Some days you're seriously considering becoming a crab. Low center of gravity, no emotional vulnerability, armored on all sides: the arrangement is looking pretty good from here. Let the scuttling begin.

• Soft cotton tee, unisex fit, true to size
• Screen-printed in the USA with premium ink
• Machine wash cold, tumble dry low

You don't have to be a person forever. The option to become a crab remains open.